A World in B&W

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I think that has been best. My life has been a whirlwind of ups ands and downs and lots of change. The last time I posted was right after my 21st birthday and while i must admit I had a blast that day, many things have changed since then. 

I woke up this morning with an image that tackled my small and worldly mind, God’s Master Plan for my life. I posted this on facebook.. “We fight God about where we want to go in life, when in reality all that does is detour His wonderful plan for us. Afterall, He does have the master plan in His hands.” 

Over the past 6 months, God has really been going to work on my behalf. It’s crazy to think that only a year ago, I was struggling to believe He truly was alive and working for anyone. Let me tell you how this little story goes. 

About 2 and a half years ago, I lost my best friend, my heart, my older brother Zach, 22, of an accidental overdose. Only 6 months after that, I made a decision that would affect my life incredibly. We’ll call this “the mistake.” This mistake threatened everything about me and the way my life currently was while also shaking the foundations of my faith. God had a lot in store for me over the next year and a half afterwards, of which, i had no idea. 

I was supposed to spend my summer of 2011 in Chicago doing an internship with Discover working on marketing, this was the perfect internship in the city that I desired to live in for the majority of my life. All of a sudden about a month before my internship was supposed to start, I got a call from the director saying that because of my “mistake” I wasn’t allowed to be a part of the program. My heart was crushed and so were my dreams. I had just known that this was where >I< was supposed to be for the summer of 2011. 

At this point, I had decided that I needed to take a break from school and was going to take the fall semester of 2011 off and just work and live at home. I packed everything up from my apartment in Bloomington, IN. and moved back to stay with my parents in Carmel. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea just because I love having my own space but knew it would be best for me. During the spring semester I had started dating a guy named Pete who completely changed how I thought about men. Not only was he hot stuff he was an amazing friend and support. 

As the summer started to roll by, I realized that God really did have a plan for me, however, i couldn’t just sit back and watch it unfold, I had to put forth some effort too. I began to pray about what God had for me and things started happening. After much thought, talking with the parents and prayer, I decided that I would go back to Bloomington and be a part time student. This is when God took over and truly things started to work out. 

I needed a certain class for my senior year in Public Relations. These classes normally fill up fast and I was registering in mid-July (smart i know) It turned out that they had opened up one more class and they had three openings left! I quickly hit “enroll in class” and that was that! The other two classes i registered for happened in the same way. God was faithful to me there. 

The next big thing was finding a place to live. Everyone had already picked their roommates and no one needed another one so it was all I could do to look for a one bedroom apartment. I came down to Bloomington and spent an entire day searching. I looked at 15 apartments and met with 20 different people. I had one final appointment and I had wanted to cancel it. I couldn’t find anything I was looking for and nothing fit me. I was driving around Bloomington in my car with no A/C and began to pray. I quickly heard God’s voice telling me to go look at the last apartment. Sweating and tired I reluctantly went. As we pulled up to the place in the location I wanted, I looked around and thought to myself, “Are you kidding me?” The outside looked scary! As she opened the door to the apartment I almost cried. It was perfect for me. I knew it was were God wanted me. 

So, with the apartment down and a set move in date, I started looking for a job. I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find one. Everywhere I had gone said they weren’t hiring but I could fill out an application anyway. I went to store after store, restaurant after restaurant and could find nothing. Finally I went into this little boutique and the girl behind the counter was so nice. She told me to bring back a resume. I did that, which led to an interview, which in turn led to a job! I begin tomorrow and make more than I did at my job in Carmel. Such a blessing. 

The final thing, is that while I was at home with my parents, I had told them I would find a therapist. I tried and tried and  no one seemed to work or be accepting new patients. This caused some stress between us. Once I moved down to Bloomington, I called a therapists who’s number I had gotten right after I made my big mistake from my pastor. At the time, I could never reach her or make an appointment with her. This time as soon as I called her, she answered and we set up our first appointment. She is wonderful and I believe that she, along with God will help me heal from the things of my past. 

As I look back and see the steps that God has walked me through I see that he was guiding me the entire time. I realize that if I had gone to Chicago, that the relationship that I have with my boyfriend would not be as strong, that I wouldn’t have dealt with the things I needed to with my parents, that I wouldn’t have been listening and relying on His voice like I have been these last few months. He has such an amazing master plan, one that I could never have designed for myself. He truly is wonderful! 

I turned 21 two days ago and had so much fun. I was surrounded by good people and loving family the entire time. However it dawned on me that I don’t know who I would call a friend anymore. It’s not that there aren’t people i love and care deeply about, it’s just that my life is so different from anyone else i know. 

I have people in my life that I have had around for too many years to count. I have friends that I made in college, the first week and they have stuck with me. I have friends even that I’ve met more recently who are awesome people. It really has just dawned on me that I truly feel like I have no support system.  I don’t know who I would call when I have a problem. 

My biggest fear is not being loved and accepted. I have worked so hard all of my life to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, but I don’t know how to let myself be close to them.. 

Friends are a complicated relationship to manage and I do a horrible job at it. I wish I could truly say that I have a best friend, but honestly I do not. 

It’s a horrible feeling to hear about the death of a loved one. My brother passed away December 22, 2009 just three days before Christmas. It was the most shocking news I could have ever recieved. I was not surprised BUT I was deeply shocked. Even though my brother and I had gone through our fair share of ups and downs. The fact that he was taken up at the young age of 22 had me at a loss for words which almost never happens to me. 

I spent the next several days as a mute. Not talking to anyone not because I didn’t want to but because the words would not come out. The funeral was the day after Christmas and there were over 700 people that came to a small church in Indianapolis to wish our family well and spur us on in encouragement.

But over the past months, those people have faded away into the past and now it’s just us the family stuck with the still very real pain and emotion that is death. I wish I could move past it and get on with my life as a student, but it seems like I’m moving in slow motion while everyone else in my life is living in real time.

I don’t understand how or why people would think that it doesn’t affect me in anyway anymore, but that pain is still very much alive and real.

There are people who say that he did this to himself and that I should just accept that and move on, however no one knew my brother like I did. He was a drug addict but was the most loving and loyal brothers besides our spats while growing up. He was smart and intelligent and I wish so much that I could go back and hug him just one more time. Just once.

I wish the days that I had had with him had moved in slow motion.  

I hate people who are pushy

I hate it when people don’t take responsibility for their own actions 

I hate when people chew loudly in my ear 

I hate when people swallow their drink loudly in my ear 

I hate it when I don’t want to talk about something and someone tries to push me into talking

I hate it when people think they know everything about my life 

I hate when I am not listened to just because I am younger than everyone else 

I hate when people say things that are untrue 

I hate back-stabbing people

I hate when people are so set in their own ways that they don’t see change when it hits them smack dab in the forehead. 

I hate not being able to sit still 

I hate the fact that I can’t always love people in the way I want to 

I hate that there are times that I give up

I hate having nightmares

One of my favorite things to do in life is read. If I could do it in my sleep I would. There is a book, and although ultimately a children’s book, is a book worth reading. I’m sure most of you have heard of the book Holes by Louis Sachar. It a wonderful book of about 200 and some odd pages full of excitement and great plot. Yes, there is also a movie about it but the book is so awesome. I read it again for the 4th time in a day. The first time i read it might have taken me two days at max. It’s an easy summer read and most definitely worth your time. Everything ties up so well at the end and Sachar does a wonderful job at keeping your attention the entire way through. Grad it from a Half Priced book store of something and go sit outside and read it. It’ll be worth your time I promise. 

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires. 

Abigail Van Buren